Verdict

*sneaks furtively over to table and steals laptop*

Hello blog-world!! I have been laying low lately (literally), due in part to a resurgence of OHSS symptoms as well as a plot on the part of my husband to keep me from obsessively checking with Dr. Google about every little possible pregnancy sign. I think the last straw for him was when I could see my stomach rippling in sync with my heartbeat and started googling that. (Little did he know how much I was using my phone on the sly to perfect my google-fu. Ha!)

I made it in to work for a little bit today, and it felt good to be up and around. Of course, the picture-perfect autumn day helped. "Unseasonably warm" has to be one of my favorite phrases! But the rest of the day will have to be enjoyed through the window, because I have retreated back to the couch. There is now a Jennifer-sized divet permanently etched into the cushions, I fear.

For such a beautiful day, it started off a little sketchy - I woke up around 3 AM with stabbing pains in my stomach and shortness of breath. And when I went in for my lab work (dehydrated due to the aforementioned stomach ickiness), it took two people to finally tap a vein. Those little buggers must know when the needles are coming for them, because they ALWAYS roll. Evasive manuevers, I guess.

I tried to have a "normal" day, and not to stare at the clock too much while waiting for my beta results. (Yeah, right...) I read, I cried, I prayed (who am I kidding, it was straight-out begging), and when the phone finally rang, I could barely answer it. The nurse on the other end (the one who hadn't been able to get the vein this morning) asked me how I was, in the sort of soft, sympathetic voice that you don't really want to hear. I told her that I was doing my best impression of a calm, non-neurotic person, but that I was failing miserably at it. She laughed and said that I had every reason to be excited if I wanted to, because my beta was 172!!!!!! So apparently, the OHSS symptoms that have returned with a vengeance are a good sign. My next beta is Wednesday morning, and if the number has increased appropriately, we will schedule our first ultra-sound for about two weeks out. (For those of you who know me in real life or on Facebook, we aren't telling a lot of people yet - at least until after the next beta, and maybe longer. I've learned from too many others that a nice beta number does not always equal a full-term pregnancy, and I don't want to learn the art of untelling.)

I am in shock. Part of me feels like this is a dream, and I'm going to wake up at any time and it will all be over. I realize as I type this that I had stopped believing that this day would come. Part of me is so, so blissfully happy - for C especially. He is excited beyond words. But another part of me feels so...unworthy. I have so many sweet, lovely friends who really deserve this, and who have been through so much heartache. It is so unfair.

Hannah prayed:
My heart rejoices in the LORD;
my horn is lifted up by the LORD.

~ I Samuel 2:1a

There is no one holy like the LORD.
There is no one besides You!
And there is no rock like our God.

~ I Samuel 2:2

He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the garbage pile.
He seats them with noblemen
and gives them a throne of honor.
For the foundations of the earth are the LORD's;
He has set the world on them.

~ I Samuel 2:8

Transfer Update & Vindication

Here they are!! My precious little miracles. The transfer yesterday went amazingly well!! Dr. No-Bull was out of town, so the doctor on call did our procedure. Seriously, this guy had the gentlest, most compassionate bedside manner of any doctor I've ever met. I barely felt anything (with my ovaries still being larger than grapefruits, I figure he gets a gold star for that). The two-hour car ride up and back was another matter - turns out that part of our problem with the PIO shots is that the nurse only drew one circle, which was too small and too low. So instead of giving the shots in my hip, we've been giving them directly in my butt muscles. No wonder I haven't been able to move much! The IVF coordinator drew new circles (one for each side this time), and last night's shot went so much better. I've also been icing prior to the shot, and having C massage it afterward, which helps. (Of course, using a base that I'm not allergic to also has a nice effect!)

In addition to the two hatching blasts we transferred yesterday, we had five more blasts to freeze. All in all we only lost three. The embryologist seemed really excited about our embryo quality; I can't remember the chances for twins but we have a 50% chance for a singleton pregnancy.

I had this vision in my head of what my bed rest would be: me and my mom hanging out on the couch, snacking and watching funny videos. It has not been like that at all. (**Warning: TMI ahead.**) On Friday, I told the IVF coordinator that I had started having to strain to go to the bathroom. She told me to take Peri-Colace, which I did. It didn't do anything, so I took more on Saturday (transfer day). Last night, I had the worst intestinal cramping; it was horrible. Then, on top of everything else, my stomach started feeling hard and I was having trouble breathing deeply. This has been happening a lot in the evening. Suffice to say it was a looooong night. I was convinced that I had hurt my precious little embryos, until C finally called the IVF coordinator this afternoon. She said it was good that everything happened the way it did: the embryos haven't started to implant yet, so I didn't hurt them, and it's better that I was able to clear my bowels than having to strain during implantation.

She also said something that made me feel a lot better, in an emotional sense: she said that they have been very surprised that I have done as well as I have, and that they were expecting my OHSS to be more severe. She also explained that I will feel worse in the evening, which is when the nausea and breathing issues have been most difficult. So, in a sick and backwards way, I feel vindicated. I've been trying not to whine, but I really do not feel well at all, and it's kind of nice to know that I'm not just being a baby.

BUT SPEAKING OF BABIES!! There are two precious little embryos inside me RIGHT NOW! And I am amazed. Please, Father, protect them and keep them safe and growing and allow them to burrow in deep!!

Itchy

I cannot thank you enough for your support and encouragement!! Your comments really lifted my spirits yesterday. I obsessed over the arnica issue until I was convinced I had done something to hurt our embies' chances, and that I would be an unfit mother. Got to love those hormones...I am not thinking clearly these days. Extra special thanks to the Mad Hatter for the great arnica link!! I felt much better after I read it.

The verdict on the arnica gel is that it probably didn't hurt anything, but I was told not to use it again. I am relieved, yet also disappointed, because that was the first time I've been able to straighten up and walk without pain all week. On the bright side, my mom started using it on her neck and has had amazing results. So at least it isn't going to waste! (Did I mention that my mom is here? I'm so glad, because she has been helping me make sure I stay hydrated and get enough protein. I'm certain that I would have had severe OHSS if she hadn't been here.)

We've also discovered that the extreme cramping and soreness in my rear are likely caused by an allergy to the sesame oil base in the PIO shot. I've broken out in hives several times now, each outbreak worse than the last. Last night even the injection site itself turned into a gigantic hive. We are switching to progesterone in an ethyl oleate base, which (hopefully) will arrive today. In the meantime, I am supposed to be taking Benadryl to keep from clawing my skin off. Add in the pain meds, and I am more than a little loopy this morning!

The clinic should be calling sometime this morning with our transfer time. Tomorrow is the day! I am so excited, nervous and scared, all at the same time. Please stick, little embies...

Amazed (and Scared)

We were tentatively scheduled for transfer yesterday, but the embryologist called us in the morning and said that he wants to do a blastocyst transfer on Saturday instead. ALL 10 EMBRYOS ARE STILL GROWING!! He likes seven of them really, really, really well, and the other three he likes too, but slightly less well. He thinks that we will have some good blasts to choose from on Saturday.

Part of me is impatient and wants to get this show on the road. On the other hand - I am slightly relieved, because honestly I feel like crap, and I'd like a few days to get myself together before it's time. I have worked so hard to avoid gluten and sugar for so long, and in the interests of staving off OHSS have been drinking Gatorade by the gallon this week. I've been forcing down some protein, too, but the nausea has been clamoring for some foods that are normally off-limits (french fries, cup o'noodles - yummy!!). So combined with the PIO shot side effects, let's just say I'm not on my normal "schedule" (if you catch my drift). I'd like to fix that before we throw the embies in the mix. Oh, and I'd like to be able to walk from one room to another without bending over from the agony. I look like Quasimodo these days. (Thankfully, though, the Gatorade is doing the trick - only mild OHSS symptoms and no daily weight gain. Praise the Lord for that!!)

I have really been having a difficult time with the PIO shots, hence the Quasimodo-ness. Not the injections themselves so much as the aftermath - I have started sleeping on the couch because it hurts too bad to get out of bed in the middle of the night to make my fifteen trips to the bathroom. My abdomen is still really sore, and my rear is so cramped and stiff that there is just no way to move without crying out and waking C (who really needs to get some sleep).

So - in an extremely exhausted and hormonally-driven emotional breakdown yesterday - I did something really stupid. I had seen Arnica Gel recommended on several message boards for PIO shot side effects, and I guess I thought it was something like aloe. I didn't really think of it as something that is absorbed into the skin and potentially could enter my system. I asked C to pick some up at our health food store and I rubbed it in liberally to the affected areas (which would be my entire rear-end). Immediate relief, it was so wonderful. Kind of a warm tingly sensation, followed by the realization that I had just put something on my skin that I know very little about, and that could potentially have any number of harmful effects on this process. I can't believe I did that, and I am just sick about it. I did scrub it off about ten minutes after I applied it, but I think it had already been absorbed. So, I am anxiously waiting for the IVF coordinator to return my phone call and tell me what an idiot I am. Hopefully I have not done anything too damaging...this is just proof that these hormones are really affecting me, I guess. (Does anyone know anything about Arnica Gel? Did I do a really bad thing??)

In the good news department, C bought a new laptop to replace the computer that died yet again. We decided this time not to resurrect, but to replace. It is *so* much nicer to blog from a real keyboard again, instead of my phone!!

Fertilization Report

I am in shock. This finally feels real.

Twenty-one eggs fertilized!!! Eleven were frozen and ten were left out to develop. We are tentatively scheduled for transfer Wednesday afternoon. However, if the enough of the embryos are doing well Wednesday morning, we will wait until Friday or Saturday and transfer one or two blastocysts.

I am amazed.

Sick

I threw up through my nose tonight. Extremely disgusting. When I promised the IVF coordinator that I would drink so much fluid that OHSS wouldn't be possible, she said she was worried that I would have problems with nausea and would dehydrate that way. This is the third night in a row that I've felt horribly sick to my stomach between 7 and 9 PM. It's like clockwork - does anyone know what could be causing this? Tonight's the first night I've actually thrown up, but I'm not convinced that it's related to the ER.

Even with the maximum dose of pain meds on board, I am not feeling so great. And I am not a fan of this side of 4 AM. But I really can't complain - I have a friend who has done ER twice without anesthesia. I think she's the strongest person I know.

So, I didn't think they had really given me my PIO shot today, but I'm feeling it now. If anyone has any advice for those suckers, I'm all ears!!!

Retrieved and Relieved!

I'm a little loopy thanks to the pain meds, but I wanted to post a quick update. The retrieval went really well!! We had a grand total of 30 eggs. A few of them were immature, but at least 20 of them looked good. We're on OHSS watch, and I'm forcing fluids to the point that I could float away. But overall I'm feeling ok tonight. We're tentatively planning transfer for Wednesday.

I have to say, I've really been struck by God's faithfulness today. I could feel His presence today, in a way that I haven't for a while.

So, next step...waiting for the fertilization results. We should hear around noon tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm bugging C about getting the computer fixed. I want to curl up with a cup of tea and get caught up on my reading. Commenting is a challenge using the phone!

Retrieval on Sunday

Have you ever felt like your life was so ridiculous, that you could have a prime-time sitcom based solely on your misadventures? I have, especially lately. My life has turned into a comedy of errors. I'd love to tell you about them, but my hard drive fried. Yes, again. So I am blogging from my phone, which was very cool for the first few words. Now I am missing my "real" keyboard...so please forgive any typos.

I was really overwhelmed by all your comments and support. "Thank you" seems too shallow a phrase to convey how grateful I am to all of you. I can't imagine walking this road by myself. I hope you will forgive my slowness in getting over to all of your blogs. I have not been feeling great and I am still learning how to use this phone. But hopefully I can get caught up on my reading soon...I am very anxious to see what everyone has been up to!

As far as our IVF cycle goes, C will be giving me my hcg shot at 12:30 tonight. I am more nervous than he is, I think. We are scheduled for retrieval on Sunday morning. I have 23 follies, and at least 20 of them are over 18mm (most are over 20mm). So we've gone from planning transfer on Wednesday (assuming we have something to transfer) to a play-it-by-ear approach. Apparently my estrogen level is pretty high and I look like a prime candidate for OHSS. Yay.

Well, that is way more than I thought I could hammer out on this little keyboard tonight. I'm off to read some blogs, and then I have an appointment with THE needle. *shudder*

Back in the Saddle

It's been a long, long time since I've posted anything. I don't really have a good excuse; sometimes blogging is a way for me to sort through my feelings, and much has been going on lately that I haven't wanted to deal with or even think about. So, I'm chalking my absence up to avoidance, pure and simple.

Here's a brief run-down of everything that's happened since I've updated last: we had a marvelous time in Hilton Head, work has been rather busy and overly stressful, and C bought me an iPhone for my birthday. My sister and her husband have decided to start the process of adopting a baby with special needs, and two people at work have had "surprise" baby news. (This has been especially hard, since neither of them are really pleased about it.) Oh, and we started IVF.

It's seemed almost anti-climactic. After all, it's been almost a year and a half since we had our initial IVF consultation. I am amazed at how, after all that time, the pieces fell into place so quickly. As far as the mechanics of the process go - we did a long Lupron protocol, and received the go-ahead to begin stimming Tuesday night. We got off to a rough start with the shots, but lately C has been wonderful in administering them. We've learned that I have an irrational fear of needles, and knowing that I don't have to give them to myself has helped reduce my anxiety. I did give myself a few of the first Lupron shots; C had to go out of town for a wiffleball tournament and wanted to make sure I could handle it by myself. I got through it, but I am thankful there are no more sports tournaments any time soon!!

My next monitoring appointment is Monday morning. The earliest we can expect retrieval is a week from Saturday. We will have to travel about two hours to have the retrieval and transfer done, since our clinic's local lab won't be up and running for a few months. To avoid any timing issues, they are booking a hotel room for us, for the night before the retrieval. It's nice that they are making all the arrangements for us, and picking up the tab, too! This clinic has far exceeded my expectations; they are so wonderful! The IVF coordinator even gave us her cell phone number, in case we ran into any problems outside of business hours. (We've only needed to bother her once, when we opened up our second package of syringes to find that they were the wrong gradation.)

If anyone is still popping over this way, I really, really covet your prayers. Before beginning this cycle, I was struggling with a lot of anger issues. I was afraid that if I turned to God and poured my heart out to Him, that He would turn this into a spiritual object lesson. I'm so afraid to ask Him for a baby anymore, because so often the answer has not been what I so desperately wanted. I've been trying to make it through all on my own, but as we've gotten into IVF I've started realizing my emotional and spiritual limitations. Now that I have been pushed beyond my illusion of control, I am beginning to press into God again. I have made this process so much harder on myself by running away from Him, and that is my own fault. So - for any sisters in Christ who may still be reading - please, please pray 1) that C and I will rely fully on God through this process, and 2) that I will have fewer needle-related issues. We had a truly awful blood-draw this week (worst of my life, and I've had some bad ones), and anytime I even see a needle anymore I get weak and dizzy. The shots have been going better since C took over, but I have to be careful to avert my eyes. And of course - most importantly - please pray that God will finally bring us our precious little miracle baby!

I am off to get caught up on my blog reading - it will take me a while I am sure! But in the meantime, please know that I am continuing to pray for all my bloggy friends and I am so grateful for you all.

Ummm...okay?

***TMI Warning***

Dr. No-Bull did my sonohysterogram and trial transfer on Monday morning. I had some slight cramping during and afterward, but it wasn't anything earth-shattering. Certainly it was nothing like what I experienced after the hsg. No spotting, very light cramping. Yesterday I felt like it never even happened.

Today, though, I started spotting heavily. It's cd14. I'm usually not one for mid-cycle spotting; the two times I've had it before were of the blink-and-it's-over variety. Not this time...I would almost think a new cycle was starting. No cramps, just heavy spotting. Does anyone know if this is normal to experience 48 hours after these procedures, or should I put a call in to Dr. No-Bull?

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

It's a bird...no, a plane...no, it's (GASP OF HORROR) an insane infertile on the loose! I do feel more than a little bit crazy at the moment. So much has been happening so quickly! The needle on my speedometer has passed the 200 mark and I'm redlining. I've barely been able to process it all, let alone write about it.

The common denominator in all of our busy-ness lately has been money. As in, we've been spending a lot of it. To start with, we finally settled on a car (a 2006 Honda Accord EXL). We were strongly considering an SUV, because "what if" the IVF works and "what if" we need more space for strollers and car seats and other baby paraphernalia. I remembered reading another blogger's (I am so sorry, I can't remember who) thoughts on decision-making in light of infertility. Do you go with the "what if's" and constantly live in a place of maybe? Or do you enjoy each moment for what it is, and make decisions based on how things are right now while leaving the door open for change? We chose to do the latter. Right now - I like the Accord better. I'm more comfortable driving it, and the trunk space and backseat will be adequate if the IVF succeeds. So, we bought the Accord. (And I look darn good driving it, if I do say so myself.)

Where IVF is concerned, I have that feeling you get at the beginning of a rollercoaster, where you're thrown back against the seat, the car is gaining speed, and you're wondering what you're in for. So far this cycle, I've had my day 3 bloodwork done, and this morning I had my sonohysterogram (where they check the uterus for fibroids, polyps or anything else that may cause a problem) and trial transfer (where they "map" the uterus so there are no surprises on the day of transfer - such as huge ovaries preventing a good ultrasound picture). The next step will be to start birth control pills when a new cycle starts. Which should, lucky me, be right around the end of our vacation.

Ironically, I think vacation is stressing me out more than anything else. There is so much planning to do before we can leave! Not to mention, I am suffocating at work. I need to get my inbox back to a manageable level before we go; I'm already putting in an extra 10-20 hours a week. (Hence the sparse blogging.) If I can just survive the next two weeks, I'm going to plop my rear down in the sand and do absolutely nothing but watch the waves. Ahhhhhhh, beach. I cannot wait!!

(photo credit rmattoso, stock.xchng)

Update

First of all, thank you so much for your encouragement. I love my bloggy friends!!! I didn't go to the support group meeting, which I think was a wise decision. Work has been really busy lately (I haven't even had time to blog!), and I've been feeling a little drained. In addition to the IVF stuff, we've also been car shopping and planning our vacation. Lots of decisions and busy-ness! (Apparently we're into spending money at the moment...our checkbook is taking a pretty big hit!)

Now for the drive-by update: C and I went to a mandatory IVF meeting at our RE clinic last night. It was amazing; such a contrast to our experience at the other RE practice! Everyone at the meeting was so friendly. The lab director gave a presentation on everything from how they ensure that the right embryos are given back to the right person to the biology of the process itself. He was very clear about the downsides of IVF; they want to make sure we know exactly what we're signing up for. He also showed video of the ICSI and assisted hatching procedures - I was truly speechless. God has created us in such a wonderful way!

I finally got my progesterone results back, too. My level was 2.4 on day 22; my RE considers 3.0 to be ovulatory. I was disappointed, but it just makes me more eager to get started with IVF. I did start a new cycle last night, and I have a call in to the IVF coordinator to get my bloodwork scheduled. My next acupuncture appointment is on Thursday. I'm hoping to get an idea of the protocol the acupuncturist uses for IVF cycles. With all the spending we've been doing, we want to make sure our budget is clearly nailed down.

So, progress. It's good.

Back in the Game!

I stopped by the lab this morning for my day 21 progesterone draw. It's been quite a while since I've been poked and prodded with "real" needles (the acupuncture needles are too small to count), and while I am not a fan of lab procedures, it felt good to be back in the game. To be monitoring hormone levels, gathering data, and moving forward in a quantitative way...it makes me happy! The acupuncture has helped me so much, but sometimes I need the tangible reassurance that western medicine gives. I am excited to have found a practice that sees value in both.

************************************

C and I went for a long drive the other night, and he surprised me. Out of the blue, he commented that he is really tired of going through all this and he's just ready for this season of our lives to be over. He is usually so stoic and silent when it comes to our infertility. Apparently, though, he's been running some numbers and thinking a lot about IVF. It was strangely nice to have a glimpse into his feelings on the subject - I certainly don't want him to hurt, but seeing his pain helps me understand that I'm not in this alone.

The end result of our conversation is that we will probably do IVF sooner rather than later. I am much more comfortable with the new clinic, and financially we can swing it. If my progesterone level suggests ovulation, we may do one more cycle with acupuncture only. Timeline-wise, that would take us up to our vacation. (BEACH! Sorry - I digress.) C is off the following week too (lucky duck!), and that would be a good time to schedule our IVF consent appointment. It's all coming together...

IVF Price Tag

The financial coordinator at the new RE clinic called today to discuss our insurance coverage. They move quickly! I am so impressed with their customer service philosophy. We have a clear picture now of what we will need to pay and when, if we choose to do IVF. She went over everything, including items that may not be necessary. She suggested that we plan for the worst case scenario, and save up enough to cover everything that could possibly be needed. Sage advice!

In discussing the actual numbers with C, I understand better that this is not something we will be doing next month. I got a little carried away in my mind, and pictured signing up NOW. But C reminded me - let's hold the course and see what effect the acupuncture is having first. Sunday is cycle day 21, so I will probably have my progesterone level checked on Monday. If I've ovulated, we could be looking at a whole different ball game (with a much smaller price tag).

Why do I feel even more restless now...I am impatient today!

One Foot in Front of the Other

**I need to process through my second-opinion appointment with the new RE, and I'm going to do that by writing about it. So, consider this fair warning that the length of this post may soon rival Vanity Fair. If you don't want to read the whole thing, but are curious to know what our next steps will be, feel free to skip to the pink part at the bottom.**

Summer seems to be flying by, and I'm missing it! Life has been so busy lately; I feel like I'm holding my breath because there isn't even time to breathe. One of the things that seemed to sneak up on me overnight was my second-opinion IVF consult, which was this morning. It started off well. I appreciated the tone in the office: from the office staff to the nurse to the decor, there was just an overwhelming feeling of friendliness and comfort.

We waited in that friendliness and comfort to see the doctor...and then we waited...and we waited. Forty minutes after our scheduled appointment, the woman who checked us in told us that they had a new doctor in the office, and that the doctor we were going to see (let's call him Dr. No-Bull) was taking some time to go over my records with her in detail. Twenty minutes later (an hour after our scheduled appointment, if you're keeping track - I certainly was), we were led into a conference room with very comfy chairs. C almost fell asleep in his comfy chair, while we waited yet another twenty minutes. We agreed that we were willing to overlook the delay because we liked the overall feel of the practice so far. I will, though, admit to having doubts about whether they were really taking that long to look over my records!

By this time, I had exhausted all my nervous energy (and in hindsight, I do wonder if that wasn't part of the point). When Dr. No-Bull and his young protégé finally made their appearance, I was calm, composed, and completely capable of rational thought. (Feel free to laugh here, but usually I turn into a blubbering idiot when doctors are in the room. They scare me, and I have a tough time communicating coherently.) But then, Dr. No-Bull launched into a speech that stopped me cold in my tracks.

With his eyes focused solely on the paper in front of him, rarely looking up at me or C, he began to address the questions and expectations I had listed on the intake form. My first impression of him was arrogance, and the long wait suddenly seemed much more of a thorny imposition. He pegged me as a control freak (and said so, using that exact terminology), and lectured me on the dangers of applying internet research to my situation without the proper knowledge and training needed to interpret it. (I noticed that C was watching me with great interest at this point - he later commented that he thought I was going to "turn" on Dr. No-Bull. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I don't think it would have been good!)

I realized the issue when Dr. No-Bull said that even though his undergraduate studies concentrated on biology, he would never assume that he knows more about my field than I do. I calmly replied, "Of course; this is why we're here. You're highly specialized in this field, with much more training than the ob/gyn we've seen thus far." I was rewarded with slightly longer eye contact, and it seemed to me that the tone of the meeting changed after that. In Dr. No-Bull's defense, I probably gave them the most comprehensive intake paperwork that they've ever seen. I'm sure I had "problem patient" stamped all over each one of my extensive notes. With my background in biology, he may have expected me to challenge his experience, knowledge and opinions. (I'm sure he sees more than his fair share of patients who read it on the internet and believe it's the gospel truth. While I believe the internet can be a source of great research, reading a few articles does not make me an M.D.)

I scored again when we discussed the lab tests I wanted to have done. I had listed on my paperwork that I want my progesterone checked, meaning that I want to have a day-21 blood draw to see if I'm ovulating on my own. There wasn't a lot of space to write, so I didn't specify exactly what I was after. Dr. No-Bull said that he didn't think having my progesterone tested "in the way [I] want" would be of value to us, and looked pleasantly surprised when I replied, "Really? I'm curious to know if I'm ovulating, and would be interested in checking my levels on day 21. Because if I'm not ovulating, then we're just wasting our time, and we should move on."

That seemed to seal the deal, and from that point on Dr. No-Bull relaxed visibly. Not that he didn't still tease me about being a control freak (at one point he told C he was trying to decide which of them has it worse; apparently Dr. No-Bull's wife and I have some things in common) - but we began to see his sense of humor, and we relaxed as well. At the very end, he said that he hoped we weren't offended by his matter-of-fact approach; I feel like I should be offended but strangely I'm not. It was a getting-to-know-you sort of session, and he gave us some really great information.

Overall, we decided that we are going to update my lab work in general and check my thyroid function (more to rule it out than anything else). Dr. No-Bull also wrote a standing order for day-21 progesterone tests, so we can monitor my ovulation or lack thereof over the next few cycles. He gave us general information about laparoscopy and IVF, and their financial coordinator is going to check with our insurance and give us the bottom line numbers. Other things I really liked:

They didn't kick me out when I mentioned acupuncture. In fact, the woman at the front desk wrote down my acupuncturist's name, so they can let her know about their new facilities.

I really think they spent the whole time we were waiting (or at least a good portion of it) looking over my records. They knew my medical history better than I do.

Dr. No-Bull isn't going to put up with any bull from me, but he's not going to give me any either. He was honest with his opinions (even if they were a bit brutal at times), yet he also took the time to explain each of them. I like information, and he seems to understand that.

This may put me back on the IVF roller coaster once and for all...THEY DO EGG RETRIEVAL PROCEDURES UNDER ANESTHESIA. The other clinic does not; need I say more?

C and I have some decisions to make. We are going to take some time to make them, but overall I have a good feeling. God is leading us down a path, and while we may not know yet where it leads, we are putting one foot in front of the other and walking it out. I am confident that He is in control and that He is still God, and (most importantly) that He is still - and always has been - good. But that, my friends, is a subject for another overly-long post!

The Blues & A Decision in the Making

Music can be healing. Sometimes just the right song can express what's in my heart better than any words I could ever string together on my own. However, I have to admit that I found it ironic this morning when I realized I was literally singing "The Blues" (a la Switchfoot, that is). You can find the lyrics here if you're interested.



C and I have been discussing the merits of jumping back on the IVF roller coaster. We still want to continue with TCM, but the question is whether to do it as a stand-alone treatment, or in conjunction with western medicine. Most of the success stories my TCM practitioner has told me about were in conjunction with other treatments. And while I do not relish the thought of putting more drugs into my system, I also don't know how much more of this I can take. The scientist in me is screaming for more data. I don't understand what happened last cycle, and I don't think I can go through that again without an adequate explanation (i.e., exactly which hormone was out of whack and by how much).

One of the reasons I hesitated to proceed with IVF before was that I was uncomfortable with the RE I was referred to. We just didn't click. Now, all of a sudden, I find that a fertility clinic two hours away has opened an office five minutes down the road. From their website, it appears that they put great emphasis on patient care and education.

I called to schedule an appointment, and already I'm impressed. The person who answered the phone was very warm and sweet (unlike the automaton who mans the phones at the other clinic). They have a new patient coordinator, who will be calling me back to explain how their clinic works, go over insurance basics and schedule an appointment. Information up front? Now there's a novel idea.

I'm not sure how this will play out. We are still praying it through, and waiting for God to speak. But it is nice to have options again! And after the heartbreak of the past few days, it would be really nice to have a reason to stop singing the blues.