Thursday, October 15, 2009

Back in the Saddle

It's been a long, long time since I've posted anything. I don't really have a good excuse; sometimes blogging is a way for me to sort through my feelings, and much has been going on lately that I haven't wanted to deal with or even think about. So, I'm chalking my absence up to avoidance, pure and simple.

Here's a brief run-down of everything that's happened since I've updated last: we had a marvelous time in Hilton Head, work has been rather busy and overly stressful, and C bought me an iPhone for my birthday. My sister and her husband have decided to start the process of adopting a baby with special needs, and two people at work have had "surprise" baby news. (This has been especially hard, since neither of them are really pleased about it.) Oh, and we started IVF.

It's seemed almost anti-climactic. After all, it's been almost a year and a half since we had our initial IVF consultation. I am amazed at how, after all that time, the pieces fell into place so quickly. As far as the mechanics of the process go - we did a long Lupron protocol, and received the go-ahead to begin stimming Tuesday night. We got off to a rough start with the shots, but lately C has been wonderful in administering them. We've learned that I have an irrational fear of needles, and knowing that I don't have to give them to myself has helped reduce my anxiety. I did give myself a few of the first Lupron shots; C had to go out of town for a wiffleball tournament and wanted to make sure I could handle it by myself. I got through it, but I am thankful there are no more sports tournaments any time soon!!

My next monitoring appointment is Monday morning. The earliest we can expect retrieval is a week from Saturday. We will have to travel about two hours to have the retrieval and transfer done, since our clinic's local lab won't be up and running for a few months. To avoid any timing issues, they are booking a hotel room for us, for the night before the retrieval. It's nice that they are making all the arrangements for us, and picking up the tab, too! This clinic has far exceeded my expectations; they are so wonderful! The IVF coordinator even gave us her cell phone number, in case we ran into any problems outside of business hours. (We've only needed to bother her once, when we opened up our second package of syringes to find that they were the wrong gradation.)

If anyone is still popping over this way, I really, really covet your prayers. Before beginning this cycle, I was struggling with a lot of anger issues. I was afraid that if I turned to God and poured my heart out to Him, that He would turn this into a spiritual object lesson. I'm so afraid to ask Him for a baby anymore, because so often the answer has not been what I so desperately wanted. I've been trying to make it through all on my own, but as we've gotten into IVF I've started realizing my emotional and spiritual limitations. Now that I have been pushed beyond my illusion of control, I am beginning to press into God again. I have made this process so much harder on myself by running away from Him, and that is my own fault. So - for any sisters in Christ who may still be reading - please, please pray 1) that C and I will rely fully on God through this process, and 2) that I will have fewer needle-related issues. We had a truly awful blood-draw this week (worst of my life, and I've had some bad ones), and anytime I even see a needle anymore I get weak and dizzy. The shots have been going better since C took over, but I have to be careful to avert my eyes. And of course - most importantly - please pray that God will finally bring us our precious little miracle baby!

I am off to get caught up on my blog reading - it will take me a while I am sure! But in the meantime, please know that I am continuing to pray for all my bloggy friends and I am so grateful for you all.


The Patterson's said...

So good to have an update! Glad to here things are moving along. I'll definitely say a prayer for you. I know our 2nd IVF seemed so much easier when I just left it up to God (not that getting disappointing news would have been easy, but I just continued to pray for His will). How nice that the clinic is picking up your hotel tab! :-) Hope everything goes great on Monday!!

Courtney said...

So glad you're back! I will most definitely continue to pray for you and this IVF cycle! Giving all the control over to God is not easy, but I must admit that this second IVF cycle is feeling more relaxed than the last one because I am working really hard each day to just let God guide us and control all aspects of this cycle.

Just remember that when a cycle fails it doesn't mean that God is telling you no to a baby, He's just saying not now.

finding_ac said...

i love to hear people talk about God in a post. I am having an u/s this afternoon to see if clomid is doing its job this afternoon, and i am so anxious i can hardly breathe. i cant eat, i cant sleep, i am so wrapped up in this i just dont know what to do. I even did a fast week before last, because i was afraid that i was making "having a baby" an idol above God and maybe that is why i wasnt getting blessed.

Then all these peices seemed to fall into place, and here i am back at sqare one again with this anxiety.I know you havent blogged in a while (me either cause i dont talk about my baby stuff on blogger, cause if/when i do get pregs i want it to be a suprise to family who is on my blogger through obligation)and so i feel like i have nothing to say cause like i already said, i am consumed with this baby thing.

So i went on your page and the Jeremiah verse came up...i have probably read it before, but this time it really spoke to me....he "has plans to give me hope and a future" how cool is that? how loving is that? I just cant wait for is plans and promises to i am sure you cant either.

i said a prayer for you, and i hope that God is at least giving you the peace, because the anxiety is just overwhelming.

i hope you understand from my rambelings, that what i am saying is that i appreciate your testimony to God, and how you are always mindful about trying to do what is right, and just. I needed encouragement this morning.

thank you

♥ ac

Hillary said...

Welcome back! Excited to hear you are starting your IVF cycle....I'm praying for you!

Joy said...

He knows the desires of your heart and is not punishing you simply because you ask. Keep seeking Him and leaning on Him!

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back! I'll be keeping positive thoughts coming your way for your IVF cycle, I really do hope it all falls into place for you.

I'm so glad you like your clinic and that they have been so good to you - it makes such a difference to be working with a provider you really like.

How did you end up gettng on with TCM? Are you continuing alongside this cycle?

Peaches said...

I'm glad you are back. I've had some of the same issues and anger with God. It is so hard to lean on him and give the situation over to him but you are right that we children of God cannot do this alone. I will pray that you have peace with your cycle and that God blesses you with a baby.

Good luck with your cycle.

Liz said...

Hi there... so good to read this update. Somtimes reading your blog brings forth memories, but the pain is distant and that's by the grace of God. I have walked in your shoes -- infertility, failed adoption placement, IVF and more... I'm sure you couldn't shock God with your anger, I already did that years ago. For years I begged God to be merciful and at least take away my desire to be a mom. He never did. Sometimes, for some people it fades, and they can be okay with it. For me it did not, even though I begged it to go away. I believe that God places that desire in your heart and He will lead you to your child(or children) and even though the journey would not be one you might choose, the day will come when you will be grateful for it. I look into the face of answered prayer everyday when I see my daughter, Grace. I wouldn't trade a minute of my 11 years of pain and heartache, because then I wouldn't have her. I can't wait till the day when you can look back on all this and feel the same way.