PMS Symptoms...Here We Go Again!

I think the crazy pregnancy-mimicking PMS symptoms are starting again. I'm prepared this time, so no BWE (blogging while emotional) - I promise! (Well, no more than usual...) My acupuncturist was really excited about everything that happened last month; she said that it shows my body is responding to the treatment. I haven't gotten my progesterone number back yet, but I am hoping that it supports her opinion.

I'm debating whether I should go to my infertility support group tomorrow night. I didn't go last month, and I don't know that I have the emotional energy to go this time around. It's the sort of meeting where you drag yourself in the door, and it's really painful while you're there, but it's also really good. The prayer time especially is incredible. Selfishly, there is part of me that doesn't want to grow too close to these ladies, because I don't want to be a permanent fixture in this group. I want to "graduate", as they put it. And now.

Maybe I will make it "a game-time decision", as C often says, and decide tomorrow on the fly. For now though...I am still at work and should probably not be blogging. My work day was supposed to end three hours ago! (It's just so nice and quiet here...)

Back in the Game!

I stopped by the lab this morning for my day 21 progesterone draw. It's been quite a while since I've been poked and prodded with "real" needles (the acupuncture needles are too small to count), and while I am not a fan of lab procedures, it felt good to be back in the game. To be monitoring hormone levels, gathering data, and moving forward in a quantitative way...it makes me happy! The acupuncture has helped me so much, but sometimes I need the tangible reassurance that western medicine gives. I am excited to have found a practice that sees value in both.

************************************

C and I went for a long drive the other night, and he surprised me. Out of the blue, he commented that he is really tired of going through all this and he's just ready for this season of our lives to be over. He is usually so stoic and silent when it comes to our infertility. Apparently, though, he's been running some numbers and thinking a lot about IVF. It was strangely nice to have a glimpse into his feelings on the subject - I certainly don't want him to hurt, but seeing his pain helps me understand that I'm not in this alone.

The end result of our conversation is that we will probably do IVF sooner rather than later. I am much more comfortable with the new clinic, and financially we can swing it. If my progesterone level suggests ovulation, we may do one more cycle with acupuncture only. Timeline-wise, that would take us up to our vacation. (BEACH! Sorry - I digress.) C is off the following week too (lucky duck!), and that would be a good time to schedule our IVF consent appointment. It's all coming together...

The Blues & A Decision in the Making

Music can be healing. Sometimes just the right song can express what's in my heart better than any words I could ever string together on my own. However, I have to admit that I found it ironic this morning when I realized I was literally singing "The Blues" (a la Switchfoot, that is). You can find the lyrics here if you're interested.



C and I have been discussing the merits of jumping back on the IVF roller coaster. We still want to continue with TCM, but the question is whether to do it as a stand-alone treatment, or in conjunction with western medicine. Most of the success stories my TCM practitioner has told me about were in conjunction with other treatments. And while I do not relish the thought of putting more drugs into my system, I also don't know how much more of this I can take. The scientist in me is screaming for more data. I don't understand what happened last cycle, and I don't think I can go through that again without an adequate explanation (i.e., exactly which hormone was out of whack and by how much).

One of the reasons I hesitated to proceed with IVF before was that I was uncomfortable with the RE I was referred to. We just didn't click. Now, all of a sudden, I find that a fertility clinic two hours away has opened an office five minutes down the road. From their website, it appears that they put great emphasis on patient care and education.

I called to schedule an appointment, and already I'm impressed. The person who answered the phone was very warm and sweet (unlike the automaton who mans the phones at the other clinic). They have a new patient coordinator, who will be calling me back to explain how their clinic works, go over insurance basics and schedule an appointment. Information up front? Now there's a novel idea.

I'm not sure how this will play out. We are still praying it through, and waiting for God to speak. But it is nice to have options again! And after the heartbreak of the past few days, it would be really nice to have a reason to stop singing the blues.

Soliciting Opinions

It was a long weekend, and not of the sort that involves a day off and a trip to the beach. Yesterday especially was a tough day at our house, because a certain impatient person peed on a stick before she should have. (Go figure.)

For the first time in our years of trying to conceive, I was absolutely certain that it would be positive. C was absolutely certain that it would be positive. And then it wasn't. We had a long discussion beforehand about how we shouldn't be testing until Wednesday, and agreed that a negative hpt wouldn't necessarily mean that we aren't pregnant. It might just mean that we tested too early (especially since we aren't 100% sure when I ovulated).

I understood that a negative was a real possibility and was convinced it wouldn't bother me...until only one line showed up on the test. Then I spiraled out of control like a kite in a windstorm. It was very, very bad.

So, for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to write out a timeline from around when I ovulated until now, and the changes C and I have both noticed. As embarrassing as it is, I'm going to list out every little thing (including things I normally wouldn't make mention of!). Please, be honest and tell me what you think. Have I become that frustrated IF-er who goes off the deep end and imagines that she's pregnant when she's not? Or did I really just test too early?

cd16-17: watery cm, became the best ewcm I've ever had

cd18-19: cramping (unfortunately I didn't keep the greatest track of when it stopped)

cd20: acupuncture

cd21-22: geographic tongue resurfaced (this usually happens after ovulation in my ovulatory cycles)

cd28: intermittent, unusual cramping (lower in my abdomen and centered); bouts of nausea that went away when I ate; sore/distended breasts (also noticed by C)

cd30: very tired; had a complete meltdown over dropping a piece of shell in the bowl while cracking eggs (this freaked C out a little; I was in tears over it); cramping only when pressure is applied to abdomen (i.e., dog in lap); overwhelmed by garlic smell in cupboard (but when I opened it later, I couldn't smell it at all); started having gas/burping (not normal for me!)

cd31: starting to get very congested; felt burning sensation in stomach throughout the day; constipated; veins are super-prominent all of a sudden (C noticed them too, especially on my abdomen and thighs); areolas don't look darker but the skin around them does

cd32: congested; very dizzy/lightheaded after eating (I didn't eat until I got to work); still have intermittent cramping; very tired

A lot of these things are continuous, so I just noted them on the first day I remember experiencing them. Also, I have woken up every day since cd28 at 5 or 6 AM to make a bathroom run. This is sooo unusual for me!

So, what do you think? Did I test too early? Should I still be holding on to hope? Because, I have to tell you - I'm convinced that I'm pregnant. And if I'm not pregnant, then I think the only other option is that I'm insane.

The Dreaded 2WW

I had three acupuncture appointments this cycle (cd7, cd15, and cd20). Dr. M took a different approach this time around, and has been very pleased with my progress. In fact, we're pretty sure I ovulated! I had strong cramping on cd17-cd18, and a plethora of other fertility signs that I usually don't experience. (I'll spare you the gory details.) In terms of egg quality, late ovulation isn't such a great thing as I understand it (nor is cramping), but I was excited to see evidence that the acupuncture is working. Ovulation at all is a miracle, from these ovaries! So I am officially considering myself back in the game...and back in the dreaded 2ww.

It's been quite a while since I've experienced a full-fledged 2ww. Our last IUI was over a year ago, and while we have continued to try since then, it's been...different from before. It's difficult to put into words exactly, but somehow the hope and expectation that usually comes with the 2ww has been lacking. Maybe it's because we weren't pursuing any medical intervention; in some way, though, over the past year I haven't been able to "feel" that pregnancy could be a reality for me.

This cycle feels more like the medicated cycles we've done, in that the expectation of pregnancy has resurfaced. And I find myself daydreaming about things I thought I'd left far behind me...nursery set-ups, baby names, and car seats. Dr. M asked me during our last visit if I had the conviction that I would someday be a mother. I didn't quite know what to say. I used to feel that way, but over the last year I've layered so many walls around those feelings to protect myself. Now, I'm peeling back those layers and finding that my conviction is indeed still intact.

Previous experience tells me that it's scary to give these feelings free reign...it only invites disappointment. But hope springs anew and I am back on the roller coaster. Welcome back to the dreaded 2ww!

(Anybody got a stick? Apparently my POAS addiction is making a reappearance as well!)

The Acupuncture Experience

I've been feeling rather flat lately, as if I'm a one-dimensional shape trying to expand to fit a three-dimensional frame. It reminds me of Bilbo Baggins' description of himself in LOTR, where he comments that he feels like butter scraped over too much bread. The things I want desperately to do - blog, write, read - are mostly swallowed up by the busy necessities of life and work. There's not enough butter left over for the more enjoyable things. And that makes me sad. But in the thirty seconds I have at the moment, I am going to pound on the keyboard like there's no tomorrow. Here goes:

I had my first actual acupuncture treatment on Monday. I was terrified, although logically I knew there was nothing to fear. Dr. M did a great job of explaining everything to me before she did it. I felt the first few needles as they went in, and I had a little trouble with one spot on the side of my hand, but I wouldn't call it painful. Certainly not in light of, say, an HSG or IUI.

Some of the needles were connected to a machine that generated gentle electric pulses. This was a very odd sensation, but again, not painful. Once everything was set - she put needles in my back, hands and feet - Dr. M placed a heat lamp over my back and left me to relax. Oddly enough, it was relaxing; I almost fell asleep! Afterward, I was really emotional. I'd heard this could happen, but it was still strange to experience firsthand.

My next appointment is in two weeks; I should start a new cycle in the meantime. I am anxious to see how long the current cycle runs, and whether my cramps continue to ease. Dr. M was quite optimistic about how well I've been responding to the lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, etc.). I'm optimistic, too, but cautiously so. I feel like the proof is in the pudding (or in the lines on a small white stick, if you catch my drift).

Gratitude

One of the things the TCM practitioner said was that I "live in [my] head too much." She categorized me as someone who is always thinking (which is sadly true - my brain did not come with an off switch). She suggested that I start a gratitude journal, and focus on building my joy. I really must be a thinker rather than a do-er, because I've thought about it an awful lot, but have yet to put pen to paper. So, here are five things I'm grateful for this week:

1. I love, love, love our church. Last Sunday, I felt this overwhelming desire to worship, and I was really hoping that my favorite worship team would be there (we go to a large church, and they have several different bands). We arrived right after the service started, and I was slightly disappointed to find someone I didn't recognize behind the microphone. Well...I didn't recognize him until he started singing. It was Martin Smith from the band Delirious?!! He led us in an amazing time of worship. I felt like I could release a lot of my tensions and just sit at God's feet. It was exactly what I needed.

2. I am so grateful for C. We celebrated our fourth anniversary yesterday, and each had the day off work. C took me out to breakfast, and then to my favorite tea house. He had planned a picnic, but the rain interfered, so he spent all afternoon driving me to my favorite places. We're pretty landlocked here; however, there are two reservoirs that can pass as lakes, and I love to be by the water. So he took me to the best places to see the water. It was really sweet and romantic!

3. I'm grateful for our little zoo. Right now Serenity is purring away in my lap (and occasionally rubbing her face on my arm, making it hard to type). Riddick woke me up this morning by curling up next to me on the pillow, and Celerity was waiting for me right outside the bedroom door. They are such gentle animals, and always so in tune with my moods. Whenever I am sad or hurting, they seem to know and want to comfort me.

4. I'm glad I'm off today! (Need I say more?)

5. I am starting to feel better, physically and emotionally. I had really low energy levels for such a long time; just getting out of bed was enough to wipe me out for the day. It's debatable whether it's due to depression or the medications I was taking. But now, I'm noticing frequent spurts of energy, and each one lasts longer and longer. (Per the TCM practitioner, I've started taking blue-green algae and digestive enzymes, and eating much more protein - I wonder if it's related).

Update

Darn it, life has been interfering with my online activities again! I missed the second half of ICLW, and I'm so far behind on my blog reading that I may never catch up.

Ok, so I don't really have a good excuse. I've been reading a lot lately (I felt the need to re-read the Twilight series - I am officially obsessed), and writing too. It's a small fiction piece, just for fun. Oh, and I had a little visit from AF!!! This last cycle was only thirty days long, which is really encouraging.

The best part, though, is that my cramps weren't nearly as bad as they usually are. The first day wasn't bad at all - mildly painful, but no all-out contractions. The second day was worse (I actually woke up in the middle of the night from the pain), but my cramps faded within twenty-four hours. I think the TCM practitioner is on to something! I could definitley get used to this.

The "Break" Pedal

I keep jumping on and off the IVF rollercoaster. I must love a thrill, because I wait until the car is at the top of the hill, looking straight down at the ground, and then I pull the brake. Or maybe I mean break. In any case, I'm a mean tease.

So here's my latest IVF escape route: on Monday, I had an appointment with a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) practitioner (Dr. M). She considers herself to be a life coach more than anything else, and I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I am very attached to my Western medical heritage. I was pre-med in college, until I decided passing out at the sight of blood was an undesirable trait in a doctor and moved on to something else. I've stayed somewhat in the realm of science, though, and I struggle to wholly accept alternative therapies.

But, at the same time, I'm really drawn to TCM - especially in the way that Dr. M practices it. Her philosophy (and that of TCM) revolves around the body as a whole. The image I have is of the body as an ecosystem, complete with rivers, mountains and valleys. If a river is dammed up at some point, the riverbed will become dry and desolate in certain places, and other areas will flood. Instead of pushing more water forcefully through the river (which will cause more flooding and stress on the system), she works to remove the dam and restore balance. (Well, that's my mental picture anyway.)

On the whole, she was really pleased with the lifestyle changes we've made thus far. She had some additional suggestions, many of which revolve around the lack of protein in my diet. (I've done well removing things I have trouble with, like sugar and gluten, but I need to focus more on eating foods that nourish me.) She also pinpointed a muscle in my abdomen that may be contributing to my cramps and the pressure sensation I always feel in my abdomen. I've been following her recommendations this week, and the pressure sensation is almost totally gone. I can't remember the last time I could say that.

The consult itself took two hours; C and I were really astounded at how accurately she was able to pinpoint additional symptoms and lifestyle details that I hadn't mentioned. Everything she said just made sense. Plus, she struggled with infertility herself, and a lot of her practice is from personal experience. I'm going back in a month to start acupuncture, and I'm really excited about it. C still wants to do IVF, so if this doesn't work on its own, I may be open to a combination approach. But for now, where IVF is concerned - I've hit the brakes. Again.

And the really shocking thing - I'm not only ok with it, I'm happy about it.

ETA: I should clarify, C is also really open to this avenue. When I said he still wants to do IVF, it's true - but he's willing to try this first.