Wednesday, June 3, 2009

More Stormy Skies

I love a good storm. When we lived on Florida's Gulf coast, watching the summer storms roll in was one of my favorite ways to pass the time. I now find myself landlocked in the Midwest yet again, and while nothing compares to a good Florida sky in turmoil, I'm surprised that I can find beauty in the swirling gray Ohio ceiling I once despised.

Today the sky looks like it's been frosted with marshmallow fluff. The clouds have depth, though, and I get the feeling that if I could peel them back, I'd find another layer of darker, more sinister clouds lurking behind. It seems to be a good metaphor for my life of late - an exterior shell of shapeless gray, hiding tumultuous tiers of anger and pain underneath.

And oh! am I angry. I have hit a breaking point of sorts. I am so tired of pouring my heart out to God, and waiting for Him to say something ... anything ... ANYthing. But He seems to be as silent as the clouds above, and every bit as far from my reach. WHY doesn't He answer me? WHY doesn't He allow us to have a baby? WHY does He touch the lives of my friends with such wonderful blessings, and yet forget about me?

I'm wrestling with the ageless question: "Is God good?" I know the party line. I can even quote it back to you, complete with Scripture references and pithy little sayings.

Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He calms me...momentary, light affliction...God is more concerned with my holiness than my happiness...He keeps His promises: I will never leave you nor forsake you...I know the plans I have for you...plans for a hope and a future...

Hope? The only thing I know about hope at the moment is that it's a big precursor for a letdown. It's the part of the roller coaster where you've just gone over the top of the first hill, and everything is in slow motion. For just a nanosecond, you hang suspended in mid-air, defiant against gravity's greedy grasp. And then, you fall. And fall. And fall. All the while picking up speed, until you think you're going to go careening off the track in a spectacular crash. Once you've resigned yourself to the inevitable, the car takes a sharp turn and gives you whiplash. Shell-shocked, you start to climb the second hill, and do it all over again. That's hope.

I get the feeling that the storms in today's weather forecast are nothing in comparison to the storms raging in my heart...


Lou said...

I totally agree with you. I really struggle with religion, especially now that we're going through this process. I don't have any answers. But, I still talk to Him. Even though I'm mad at Him and angry with Him sometimes. Good luck and stay strong! Just remember (this is corny) the clouds never stay in place, they always move and the sun usually appears. Keep hope near your heart! Hugs!

Rebecca said...

I just thought you could use a (((HUG))).

Thinking of you.

twondra said...

I found your blog through Amber. I love to find other Christian women going through infertility. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))


Kim H. said...

Awww - sweetie - I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I know exactly where you are and what you're experiencing, and I"ll be back on the roller coaster in the next week or so. I'm ready to get off the ride, and enjoy something a little more peaceful - like say "Its a Small World" or the "Jungle Cruise"... something that you could enjoy while PREGNANT!

I'm praying for you and think about you daily... (((((((HUGS)))))) from me too.