Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sick? Or...Something Else?

I think I'm going to throw up. And as backwards as it seems, I am soooo excited about that. I kind of hope that I do. Strike that, I DESPERATELY hope that I do. (Not only am I feeling sick today, but also twisted, apparently.)

I am sitting at my desk this morning - blasting RED since there is no one else here (it just isn't music that can be played at a low volume) - and spinning through this merry-go-round in my head:

  • I think I'm going to throw up.

  • I really hate throwing up. I would rather do another hsg.

  • But if I get sick, it probably means that I'm pregnant.

  • Oh, I really want to throw up! Please, please, please!

  • No - wait - I don't feel sick anymore.

  • Hey, I think I'm going to throw up.

  • I actually ran to the bathroom a few minutes ago. When I got there, I felt fine. Now, back to queasy. I don't know quite what to make of this.

    Going through our insane-nine-cycles-of-Clomid phase, I noticed that the side effects got worse and worse each month. I had really horrible migraines right around 11-12dpo, with awful nausea. Once, I even threw up all over the couch without warning. We were so sure then that I had to be pregnant...after all, I can count on one hand the number of times I've thrown up in my life...but it turned out not to be the case.

    But this month, there's no Clomid to blame. And there is no denying that I feel different. It could be that the acupuncture caused me to ovulate "normally" and having never experienced "normal" PMS, I'm misreading every little thing. Incidentally, that particular list includes a super-sore, swollen chest; a conspicuous absence of the cystic acne that usually heralds AF's arrival; an emotional rollercoaster moving at speeds that rival light; and strange cramps that are not quite "right" - not consistent, not overly strong and not in the right place. The cramps are lower than usual, and more in the center of my abdomen than to one side or another. Oh, and of course...nausea.

    At this point, I'm incapable of coherent prayer anymore. All God is hearing from my heart today is "please, please, please, please, please, please, please!"

    I think I need someone to tell me to calm down and stop planning the nursery in my head!! (Like I haven't already got that one figured out after three years, right?) I'm too afraid to POAS - I'd rather have AF deliver the bad news, I guess. Today is cd28, and (worst case scenario) only 11dpo. It's a little early to be feeling any symptoms other than PMS. Which makes me think I'm blowing this all out of proportion...this is easier to believe now that the nausea is gone again. Five minutes from now may be a different story...


    WiseGuy said...

    Well, I sure hope it is something else...but whatever, all the very best!

    Thanks for the support!

    Serendipity said...

    I'd POAS, if anything it's better for your mental health to know now than ride the rollercoaster of hope/despair until AF shows up.

    I really hope you got lucky, I'd love to see a TCM success-story so quickly! I'll keep sending positive vibes your way.

    Kate said...

    It all sounds promising!

    Joy said...

    Red rocks my face off...

    ... and I hope you don't puke! LOL! But it's great you're feeling sick. I must be twisted, too!

    finding_ac said...

    geesh..i always hear that clomid has side effects that are so close to pregnancy that they drive you nuts...i know i am an addicted poas person so i wouldnt be able to stay away...

    ♥ ac

    Kim H. said...

    You know what though - you've had severe symptoms at every turn through your journey... so who's to say that it isn't pregnancy related? I've heard that some women do feel cramping when the baby implants in the uterus... so who knows. I sure am praying for you!