Drama

I've been trying to come up with a brilliant Show & Tell post, but to tell the truth - I've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. So, instead I'm going to give in to a small Facebook rant that's been building in my head for the last week.

First, though, I have to explain the back story. Everyone in C's family lives within a short drive of each other, except for us. We live five hours away. C's sister (let's call her A) was never been particularly close to C or to their parents, until she had a baby a year and a half ago. Now C's parents watch the baby a lot, and they have grown very close to A. (Which is to be expected, and a great thing in my opinion. C's parents were always heartbroken that A had chosen to distance herself from the family.) A and C's parents are aware of our situation, but they don't really try to understand what we're going through. C's family is very stoic; their behavior remains steady and unchanged, regardless of the circumstances that surround them. Reactionary emotions are strictly taboo. (They love me, can you imagine?)

C called A around Christmas, and she never returned the call. This is par for the course, in their relationship. Had she made the effort, though, I'm sure they would have discussed that the baby's first birthday was coming up, and that since we were going through a rough patch in our own quest to have a baby, we would not be doing anything special. (After all, a one-year-old isn't going to remember who did and did not send her a card...) But, A never called back.

Two months later, we received a box from C's mom. Neither of us noticed that the box was addressed to him alone. (In the past, she has addressed everything to both of us.) Inside, we found a framed picture of the baby and a note. Basically C's mom wrote that we need to make more of an effort to keep up with the baby's milestones and growth.

I was really angry - and to my surprise, so was C. His family doesn't keep up with the milestones in our IF journey, or our lives in general. And A can't even be bothered to return a phone call. If A wanted us to have a picture of the baby and sent it herself, fine. But there was something rather twisted about C's mom doing it (not to mention the note). C discussed it with her, and I sent her a (nice) email explaining how I felt about it. My email went unanswered. C eventually asked his mom whether she had received it; she said she understood where I was coming from and "we're all family; we have to stick together." (I still have no clue what that was supposed to mean.)

So now the point of this whole post...when I joined Facebook, I remembered that C's mom had mentioned several times that she and A both had profiles, and that she wished we would join. I sent them each a friend request, more to keep the peace than anything else. I thought they would be offended if I didn't. C's mom accepted immediately, and it's been a good thing in our relationship. A just accepted last week, a full three months after I sent it. She has a new job, and I wanted to write a "congrats" note on her wall...when I clicked over, though, I saw that she's accepted other friend requests in the last three months, just not mine.

I've gone from thinking that A is just a sporadic communicator (like my own sister - she doesn't call or write for months, but then we pick up right where we left off) to wondering whether we've offended her in some way. I guess I look at relationships as two-way streets. We've made efforts to reach out to A, but she never reaches back. What more are we supposed to do???

May IComLeavWe

Good morning, race fans! Today at the post in the fifteenth position we have Hope Endures, a filly who is past her prime. At nine million to one, she's a long-shot to even place in the Fertility Stakes. Oh, er, um - make that even finish. She seems to be sitting in the stall now; her jockey has jumped off. What a shame! C is one of the top jockeys around, and with his boyish charm and great genes was expected to do well here at the Stakes. Oh, dear...if you look closely you can see C is prodding his horse with the whip, and...did she just spit on him? Yes, folks, Hope Endures has just spit on her jockey. Maybe this little filly is part camel? (Photo Credit: taken by Zoran and downloaded from stock.xchng.)

I've been watching some horse-racing, can you tell? Well, to be more precise, I watched two races (the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness), and a few episodes of Jockeys on Animal Planet. It seemed an acceptable compromise to the never-ending stream of basketball, NASCAR, and golf that has infiltrated the living room lately.

Anyway...if you've just landed here from ICLW, welcome! Here are a few random facts about me:

My husband C and I just celebrated our fourth anniversary. We've been trying to conceive for three of those four years, with no luck - I am still woefully un-knocked-up.

Officially I've been diagnosed with PCOS, but my doctor thinks I may also have endometriosis.

C would like to proceed with IVF now. He's been great about not pressuring me lately, but I can tell that he struggles to understand my hesitation. We're currently pursuing alternative therapy via acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). My thoughts about IVF change so frequently, they give me whiplash.

We have two Sphynx (furless) cats, and a Scottish terrier. The cats beat up on the dog a lot; C thinks this is funny.

I'm a biologist by education, and work in an ecologically-related field. I'm not so outdoorsy, though (unless the ocean is involved), so I choose to confine myself to the office.

I love science fiction shows and movies, especially tv shows that are going to be cancelled long before their time. I'm drawn to them like a tribble to quadrotriticale; apparently I enjoy disappointment. (Firefly, Invasion, Farscape, anyone? I guess I can't really be bitter about Stargate SG-1's cancellation, but I do reserve the right to resent the end of Atlantis.)

So that's a little bit about me. If you're still reading and I haven't scared you off (yet), I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better, too! So if you leave a comment but don't have a Blogger account, please leave your blog's URL - I'd love to return the visit!

The Acupuncture Experience

I've been feeling rather flat lately, as if I'm a one-dimensional shape trying to expand to fit a three-dimensional frame. It reminds me of Bilbo Baggins' description of himself in LOTR, where he comments that he feels like butter scraped over too much bread. The things I want desperately to do - blog, write, read - are mostly swallowed up by the busy necessities of life and work. There's not enough butter left over for the more enjoyable things. And that makes me sad. But in the thirty seconds I have at the moment, I am going to pound on the keyboard like there's no tomorrow. Here goes:

I had my first actual acupuncture treatment on Monday. I was terrified, although logically I knew there was nothing to fear. Dr. M did a great job of explaining everything to me before she did it. I felt the first few needles as they went in, and I had a little trouble with one spot on the side of my hand, but I wouldn't call it painful. Certainly not in light of, say, an HSG or IUI.

Some of the needles were connected to a machine that generated gentle electric pulses. This was a very odd sensation, but again, not painful. Once everything was set - she put needles in my back, hands and feet - Dr. M placed a heat lamp over my back and left me to relax. Oddly enough, it was relaxing; I almost fell asleep! Afterward, I was really emotional. I'd heard this could happen, but it was still strange to experience firsthand.

My next appointment is in two weeks; I should start a new cycle in the meantime. I am anxious to see how long the current cycle runs, and whether my cramps continue to ease. Dr. M was quite optimistic about how well I've been responding to the lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, etc.). I'm optimistic, too, but cautiously so. I feel like the proof is in the pudding (or in the lines on a small white stick, if you catch my drift).

TICK!!!

I hate bugs. I mean, I really HATE bugs. I know they're so much smaller than I am, and they aren't really going to hurt me (most of them, anyway) - but they still creep me out. (A friend of mine once shot a spider in his basement. I think he had the right idea. Raid isn't as deadly at a distance.)

So what sparked this random post on bugs? UGH! I just found a tick on Riddick. It was so big, I didn't realize what it was at first. I thought it might be a growth of some sort, or a bit of chewing gum stuck in his fur. No...it was a TICK.

I am so glad C was here. He took care of it, while I hid in the back room. *shudder* Starting tomorrow, Riddick is getting a daily dose of garlic. (It's not going to help his horrid dog-breath any, but I don't think it can make it any worse, either!) There had better NOT be any more ticks in my house.

Hopefully our afternoon plans will keep me distracted from the memory of the tick. We are heading out to see the new Star Trek movie! I am a sci-fi geek at heart, and am very excited. (I probably shouldn't mention this in public, but I went to a Star Trek convention once...and I liked it.)

M Minus Two Days

Today marks M minus two days. Mother's Day usually bothers me quite a bit. This year, I am being proactive and have come up with a plan. It's quite simple really:

I am not leaving the house.

I am not turning on the tv.

I am not turning on the radio.

I am going to sit on my balcony and read. If it rains sideways and the balcony gets wet (which is a distinct possibility, the way the weather has been lately), I am going to sit on the couch and read.

Brilliant, isn't it? Avoidance in it's simplest and purest form. But this year, it's avoidance sans the guilt trip. I always feel like a bad person for skipping church on those "big" family holidays, but not this year. I'm letting myself off the hook.

I'm actually looking forward to Sunday quite a bit. It's been busy lately (as you may have noticed from my lack of blogging), and a day of rest will be refreshing. Plus, I'm hoping to have all the laundry finished by then. C has developed a severe rash all over his body, and I'm re-washing everything in special detergent in case that's the culprit. (Yes, I do mean everything...anyone want to come help fold? Good times.)

Gratitude

One of the things the TCM practitioner said was that I "live in [my] head too much." She categorized me as someone who is always thinking (which is sadly true - my brain did not come with an off switch). She suggested that I start a gratitude journal, and focus on building my joy. I really must be a thinker rather than a do-er, because I've thought about it an awful lot, but have yet to put pen to paper. So, here are five things I'm grateful for this week:

1. I love, love, love our church. Last Sunday, I felt this overwhelming desire to worship, and I was really hoping that my favorite worship team would be there (we go to a large church, and they have several different bands). We arrived right after the service started, and I was slightly disappointed to find someone I didn't recognize behind the microphone. Well...I didn't recognize him until he started singing. It was Martin Smith from the band Delirious?!! He led us in an amazing time of worship. I felt like I could release a lot of my tensions and just sit at God's feet. It was exactly what I needed.

2. I am so grateful for C. We celebrated our fourth anniversary yesterday, and each had the day off work. C took me out to breakfast, and then to my favorite tea house. He had planned a picnic, but the rain interfered, so he spent all afternoon driving me to my favorite places. We're pretty landlocked here; however, there are two reservoirs that can pass as lakes, and I love to be by the water. So he took me to the best places to see the water. It was really sweet and romantic!

3. I'm grateful for our little zoo. Right now Serenity is purring away in my lap (and occasionally rubbing her face on my arm, making it hard to type). Riddick woke me up this morning by curling up next to me on the pillow, and Celerity was waiting for me right outside the bedroom door. They are such gentle animals, and always so in tune with my moods. Whenever I am sad or hurting, they seem to know and want to comfort me.

4. I'm glad I'm off today! (Need I say more?)

5. I am starting to feel better, physically and emotionally. I had really low energy levels for such a long time; just getting out of bed was enough to wipe me out for the day. It's debatable whether it's due to depression or the medications I was taking. But now, I'm noticing frequent spurts of energy, and each one lasts longer and longer. (Per the TCM practitioner, I've started taking blue-green algae and digestive enzymes, and eating much more protein - I wonder if it's related).