Yesterday was so difficult - the pain of our situation was so intense that I could hardly breathe. It felt like the air had been replaced with something thick and heavy that choked me. I wish I could say that I took my pain to the throne, that I knelt down in prayer and sought God's peace. But the truth is quite a bit uglier.
This pain doesn't ease as time progresses - instead I feel it more and more keenly. It's not a constant, persistent problem; it's more like those pesky sine graphs from math class. Up and down, up and down, over and over again. Sometimes the highs last a few days, sometimes a few hours. I've noticed, though, that each "up" is not quite as high as the previous "up", and each "down" is a little bit farther down than the last. My heart used to long to turn to God for comfort in those low moments, but not recently. I've been so consumed by anger, bitterness and jealousy that I haven't wanted to even talk to Him. After all, He could change this if He wanted. He could give me the baby that I long for - for some reason, He chooses not to. Maybe it's just for right now. Then again, maybe it's for forever. But He could heal me if He wanted. And - if I'm being honest - it makes me angry that He hasn't. Would I be such a bad mother that He won't entrust a child to my care? Are all these other women so much more important to Him than I am, that He would give them children but not me? Is there some reason why He loves me less than everyone else?
I don't know what makes today any different from yesterday. I didn't make a decision to change my attitude, and I didn't seek forgiveness for my rebellious and bitter sentiments. But yet it is evident that something has changed...the only explanation I have is that the Holy Spirit is at work in me, even as I run the other direction at top speed.
I woke this morning with a heavy peace on my heart. I don't know how else to describe it - it's the sort of peace that coexists with my pain instead of engulfing it. It reminds me of the feeling I've had after crying before the Lord for hours - the exhaustion and the desire not to fight or run anymore, mingled with sadness and sweetness all at once. It defies description, but it makes me understand the word bittersweet.
1 day ago