Friday, April 17, 2009

Putting the Pieces Together

Have you ever had a week where you could just tell that the pieces were falling into place? As if you were assembling a jigsaw puzzle without the benefit of the picture on the box, pressing edges against each other with the faint hope that sooner or later, something will stick? That's rather how I'm feeling at the moment, and I'm reeling with the violent shock that comes as pieces which seem completely unrelated lock into place.

The First Piece: I turned over the unresolved IUI insurance issue to my husband. This is really a big deal for me, with much larger significance than I can put into words. C has been in denial for the past few years; he is only now grappling with the reality of our infertility. I've shared before about "The Ultrasound Incident" where C revealed that he didn't equate Clomid with fertility drugs - I wish I had understood at the time that what I mistook for a comment born of stress and exhaustion was really a glimpse into the depth of his denial. Infertility is a road lonely enough of its own accord, and I could not comprehend that C's seeming distance from the situation was truly just the path of his own emotional journey to acceptance.

I've been seeing a counselor for the better part of a year, to learn how to sift through the dangerous emotions that come with this territory, and C has recently joined our discussions. We have both made hurtful mistakes, and have now each recommitted to this process: C to providing support in the way that I need to receive it, and I to communicating my needs clearly to him. While I need him to be more involved overall, from researching our options to decision-making to just holding my hand, specifically I decided that I also need him to handle the insurance/financial quandaries as they arise. As soon as we had that conversation, the IUI insurance issue came to light. Good little control freak that I am, I grabbed hold tightly and held on for dear life.

I held on, that is, until we received yet another statement from the doctor this week, and I collapsed under the weight of the stress and...let go. I gave the billing manager C's contact information and asked her to contact him from now on. End result: at the most, we will have to pay thirty dollars. And so the first piece snaps into place with ease.

I'll share about pieces two and three later...I made the mistake of starting the Twilight series last night. Having finished the first book early this morning, I am now devouring New Moon. I have to finish the series before IComLeavWe starts! (If you aren't familiar with Mel of Stirrup Queens fame and IComLeavWe, I encourage you to click on the links and go meet the rest of the online ALI blogosphere.)


Kim H. said...

I so understand - I wonder if my husband is going through some sort of denial process too - he's so detached and not emotional about it at all... which only frustrates me more and causes me to accuse him of not even wanting a baby.

Joy said...

SUSPENSE! Cannot wait to hear about puzzle pieces 2 and 3!