Tuesday, April 21, 2009

April ICLW

Welcome, welcome to my little corner of the blogosphere! Come on in and make yourself comfy. Tea, anyone?

Here's a little back-story, for those of you who haven't visited before: I married my Prince Charming (let's call him C) four years ago, and was diagnosed with PCOS one year later, when we figured out my "machinery" wasn't working quite right. Nine Clomid cycles (yes, I did say nine, and no, we shouldn't have) and three IUI's later, not much has changed. We are gluten-free, sugar-free and still, sadly, baby-free. We had our first IVF consult nearly a year ago but have yet to do an actual IVF cycle. Every time we try to move forward, something happens to make me slam on the brakes. (Truth be told, I'm beginning to think it may be the other way around - I slam on the brakes and then look for something to blame it on.)

The past year has been rough for us, and has forced us to do some deep soul-searching. For a while life seemed pretty bleak, but I've had a string of epiphanies lately that have just felt right. I'm learning to surrender things I shouldn't hold on to, and to enjoy my life again - all while balancing my desire for a baby against the reality of not having one. I think of it as surfing in the tension between the now and the not yet. (I wipe out a lot.)

For my regular readers - I will try to post an update soon about my appointment yesterday. The cliff notes version is that it was very, very helpful. Another epiphany moment. But more on that later...dinner's giving off an awful lot of smoke. That can't be good, right?

18 comments:

Parenthood For Me said...

I found that when we stopped ART all together, I was finally able to see things more clearly. I wish I had taken a break earlier instead of just plowing ahead.

ICLW

Mrs. Gamgee said...

It's an important place to be, when you are finally able to put the pieces together and see what's really happening in your life. Here's hoping the epiphanies keep coming!

Happy ICLW!

Hillary said...

Thanks for the thoughtful and well-written summary! I hope God makes your next steps clear to you.

ICLW
makingmemom.blogspot.com

bunny said...

ahh, balance! something that is so elusive to me, but you seem to be finding it (even if you wipe out from time to time). i'm interested in hearing more about your meeting...

iclw

Kim H. said...

I wipe out at least once a day... if we really want to be honest about it - so I think it's probably fairly normal. :-)

Jill said...

9 Clomid cycles! YIKES! How are you still standing? (I really hate Clomid, btw)

happy ICLW

UnicornMommy said...

Hugs.

I pray for the best for you.

ICLW

Hope Endures said...

Seriously, I hated the clomid too. It's taken me a whole year to feel "normal" again. It really screwed me up...wish I had known then what I know now. I would have moved on to something else much, much earlier.

The Patterson's said...

Thanks for sharing. Wow - Clomid for 9 cycles! I was so done after 5. Hope your appointment went well.

ICLW

Lou said...

I think you're right. Sometimes you totally have to take a moment and just be... not just in terms of fertility but also within a marriage. Life is hard without all of these issues and marriage is hard work too. Sometimes it's important to reinvest in your relationship, the things you find joy in and just connect with yourself. You're important - take the time needed! You only live once. ;-)

just me said...

Hi there, visiting from ICLW, though I know I have found you before, I am putting you in my reader so I don't lose you again. Your post about the charade, and reading again, really hit me. Sometimes I feel like I am only really me when I am alone....in between I am pretending that life is normal...is this normal? can't wait to hear about your appointment ephiphany.

Beautiful Mess said...

Smoke because of dinner isn't necessarily a bad thing. You'll just have a smokey/woodsy favor to your dinner. Sounds delicious and exotic! I'm glad you're enjoying your life and I hope it continues to make you happy.
*ICLW*

Stefanie said...

Thank you for your thoughtfulness in leaving a message for ICLW. I pray that all works out for you.

~Stopping by for ICLW

S said...

Taking a break can be great for your mental health. Kudos to you for doing it.

ICLW

Katie said...

I can't imagine 9 Clomid cycles. My husband would have gone crazy. I find that when I get anxious, I slam on the brakes and then find something to blame it on as well. Coping mechanism for me. I look forward to following your journey

~ICLW~

theworms said...

Here from ICLW and taking a break can be a great thing sometimes, IF can take over everything.

BTW - I am an avid reader, it's my escape and helps me leave IF behind for a while. If you haven't yet make sure to read midnight sun (twilight from Edward's pov, it's on the author's website, only the first 200 pages)

Mr. Shelby said...

I'm glad you're able to have those epiphanies. They come when you least expect it. I'm happy to have found you though ICLW and will check back often.

Good Luck!

Mr. Shelby (from iclw)

twondra said...

Here from ICLW. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I wish you luck with your IVF. We did 12 IUIs and then IVF where we were told we had to use donor eggs. I actually loved IVF. :) I hope things work out.

Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com