Friday, April 10, 2009

Of Fried Eggs and Hard Drives

Or do I mean fried drives and hard eggs? (Hard to fertilize, that is.)

This time last week, I was snuggled with a cup of hot tea, ready for my Friday morning blog-reading. Suddenly, the computer made a screeching noise and rebooted. And rebooted again. And again, and again, and again...and so began the saga of the fried hard drive. Thankfully, most of our data had been backed up recently, and we were able to retrieve the rest of it. I am now rocking a spiffy, brand new hard drive (minus a few essential programs I have yet to reload).

Fried Eggs

On the fried egg front, my last, tortuously-long cycle finally ended. (Insert frantic whooping and screaming here.) C is very pleased that the hormonally-crazed, fire-breathing dragon claiming to be me has at long last left the premises. Of course, due to the timing of the new cycle, I had to reschedule my long-awaited doctor's appointment. (And really, how else should I have expected that to work out? Typical.) I couldn't get in before next week, so Wednesday it is.

In the meantime, I am continuing to fight the good fight over insurance issues stemming from our last 3 IUI's. I can't remember if I've written about this before (I was pretty ticked; maybe too ticked to put it in words), but when I called to schedule my doctor's appointment, I was informed that my insurance hadn't paid on claims that were a year old. The insurance company says the claims were never submitted; the doctor's office says they were (but refuses to provide me with proof). We don't feel comfortable committing financially to IVF yet, if there is any possibility that we will end up being responsible for any part of these old balances. It seems that every time we try to move forward with IVF, something happens to slow us down! Coincidence or design, I wonder?

I could write a whole post on that topic all I will say for now is that I am really seeking God's will and direction. I am in the midst of one of those rare moments, where I can recognize that God's plans ARE better than mine - even if they don't look the same, and even if they don't include a baby at this moment. (Yes, I did type that just now, and yes, that is huge for me. As in Mount Everest huge.) Someone I greatly respect mentioned an interesting concept to me recently, in a conversation about contentment. I had asked how being content in my circumstances and trusting in God reconciles with desiring something different (in this case, obviously, having a baby). Her answer sparked a lot of thought on my part: she said I need to get comfortable with the tension between "the now and the not yet." And that is exactly the problem - how do I manage to live in the present, grieve for that which is denied me, and make God-honoring choices in my pursuit of that which I desperately want, all at the same time?

I don't have an answer, but I'm working on it. I guess it's all part of learning to surf the tension between what is and what I wish would be. For right now, though, all I'm planning on surfing is the web. I have a whole week's worth of blogs to catch up on!!

(Photo credit: taken by Jan Kratena and downloaded from stock.xchng.)


Hopeful said...

If you find the answer I'd love to know it:)

Joy said...

Glad to hear you're back up and running!

And contentment can be such a tricky thing. I fought to conceive for over a year before I finally just decided I was content with my life the way it is. Then I had a miscarriage. Then I got pregnant again.

We never know what the future holds but when it DOES happen, we look back on the long road and go, "Ohhhhh... it all makes sense now!" or at least it makes some sense. *HUGS*

Lanie said...

For years I didn't think contentment was possible. I know that it is, even if it takes a while to get there. God has had a plan for you and C since before you were born! Sometimes its hard to wait for his plan to be revealed (I know it is for me)! Dan and I will be praying for you to have peace with whatever you decide about IVF!

The Swann's said...

New reader here... This post is exactly what I'm feeling at this point! Being content where we are now while still grieving and going thru those emotions while seeking God's will... Oh, it's so very difficult!!!! Have you found the answer yet as I would LOVE to know how to do it!!!! :-)

I will pray that you and C are able to find a peace one way or another about IVF...

Kim H. said...

I found your blog through Blogger profiles - I was just looking for other women suffering from infertility issues... and I am on the roller coaster too, and just had a similar conversation about accepting God's timing over my own last night. May God bless us both in ways we can't even imagine!