Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Any kids yet?

Once again, when faced with stupid questions from well-meaning people (which doesn't change the fact that they are stupid questions), I have found myself stuttering out pithy platitudes in the name of social acceptability. It seems that the fifty-plus people who have recently rediscovered my existence through the wonder of Facebook all took the same social networking class (Conversation 101: How to Ask Rude and Offensive Questions). I have been bombarded with:

"Any kids yet?"
"Hey! You've been married twice as long as we have. We have two kids, how many do you have?"
"Why don't you have any pictures of your kids posted?"
and the list goes on...

I usually do my best just to survive these conversations, but from now on I'm going to start answering in a way that makes the asker really uncomfortable. Maybe then they'll think twice before saying stupid things in the first place. (And yes, I know the questions are meant in a kind way. But my hurting heart doesn't see too far past the words themselves!!)

Imaginary Conversation with Stupid Person on Facebook

Stupid Person: "Any kids yet?"
Me: "No, we're saving up to buy one though."
Stupid Person: "I totally understand - it's so expensive!!"
Me: "Tell me about it! So how did you finance your baby? Did you take out a loan to cover it?"
Stupid Person: "LOL. I wish I had."
Me: "Can you believe that some people actually go out and get pregnant, just like that? They have no clue what it's like for people like us. All the painful and humiliating procedures, the stress over money. And then the stupid and insensitive things they say...well, you know what I mean. So how many IUI's did you do before you got pregnant? Or did you do IVF?"
****long pause****
Stupid Person: "I'm confused. What's IUI? Is that like DUI? We did have a lot to drink that night, if you catch my drift!! I still can't believe our little "accident" is almost one. Did you see the pics I put up?"
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. You said you understood how expensive it is to buy a baby, so I thought you meant it. We're saving up to pay for our next fertility treatment."
Stupid Person: "You know, if you're having trouble getting pregnant, you should just relax. I know this person who tried to have a baby for eight years, and then she went on a cruise, and came back pregnant."
Me: "Really? Do you think going on a cruise would make my ovaries work? Because my doctor says the only option we have left is IVF. Maybe she doesn't know about cruises!"
****long pause while Stupid Person removes me from her friend list****


Heidi said...

Oh, Jennifer! I cringe when people ask this question. I have pretty much lost all patience and want to scream when it happens... Now I say we will have children whenever God decides it is our time. It usually shuts them up... ((HUGS))

I am one of the only people from my graduating class that doesn't have a child yet. It just sucks!

Joy said...

Hi there, just found your blog! I have to admit I used to be one of those well-meaning people who asked stupid questions. I have secondary infertility and let's just say it opened my eyes. I just keep my mouth shut now unless someone else brings the topic of baby-making up because I don't want to hurt anyone.

Sorry you're having to go through this and you should give me their names so I can sweetly pound some sense into their brains... ;-)

Kim H. said...

I so understand how you feel - I wish people would think about what they're saying before they open their mouths. It's entirely possible that you just had something tragic happen - and they wouldn't know! Geez!

You should read the book To Walk on Fertile Ground... it's a great book!