Monday, November 16, 2009

Silliness

I just had a stern conversation with one of the cats. She's been running around all afternoon, refusing to settle down. Several times in a row - she waited until I was comfortable on the couch, and then she dashed across the table, knocking everything off it in the process. So I told her that she was being silly and needed to settle down. I don't know what should be more concerning - that I talk to my animals, or that I believe that for the most part they get the gist of what I'm saying. (Are those men in white coats at my door again?) Anyway, the whole incident made me wonder if God ever looks at me and thinks, "What a silly cat!" (Or, "girl" in my case.) I'm quite sure that He does, because I know my behavior and thoughts often border on the absurd.

For instance, we got our second beta results back earlier in the week (384, praise the Lord!). Ever since the first beta came back, I have had this overwhelming urge to pee on a stick. I have wasted so much money on hpt's over the years that I didn't want to spend money on one more - especially since I already knew what the result would be. But, oh, I wanted to pee on a stick and get two lines for once!! So I was ecstatic when C asked if I would take one, just for kicks and giggles. Apparently great minds think alike!

I could not wait to target that stick...until it came in the house. Then, I was struck with an overwhelming fear. What if it was negative? What if the lab made a mistake with our bloodwork? What if something was starting to go wrong? I almost couldn't do it...but I did, and of course, it was positive. Pure silliness.

There is nothing I can do at this point to control the outcome of this pregnancy, other than to continue to follow directions, take my medications, and bare a cheek nightly for the oh-so-romantic PIO shots. And pray, pray, pray. Yet every little thing has me worrying - is something going wrong? Did I do something to hurt my little embie(s)? The truth is sobering - I have no control. But I act like I do, and that's pretty silly.

It's interesting, too, how many of my perceptions of God fall into the realm of silliness. I wasn't going to post about this, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and in case you haven't figured this out yet - blogging is my way of avoiding a super huge therapy bill. The day we got our beta results back was difficult. I prayed and cried and begged God for a positive, all the while convinced in my heart that He would say no yet again. Finally - a short while before we got the results - I had one of those epiphany-type conversations with God. It was one of those moments where what you know to be true in your head finally bridges the gap to your heart, and you get a glimpse of God's face.

I grew up in an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive situation. I was taught at an early age that good things (or sometimes just the absence of bad things) are born of good behavior, and I began to see the world as a giant merry-go-round of cause and effect. If you asked me, I could define grace and mercy, and list out well-rounded arguments for how salvation is a gift flowing from God's grace, and we can never do anything to earn it. But yet, I was startled to realize that I had put God into a one-size-fits-all, black-and-white, tiny box: somehow I thought I did not deserve a baby (because spiritually I'd become so disillusioned and distant from God), and therefore He would not allow me to get pregnant.

It wasn't a conscious thought; it was a perfidious shadow underlying my thinking and slipping between my heart and God's. But once I saw it for what it was, I put it all out on the table and brought it into the light. I told God that sometimes it doesn't feel like He is good, and that sometimes I have trouble believing that He really does have a plan for me. I told Him that I knew I'd been disobedient and had run the other way when I'd needed Him most. And then I asked Him, in His mercy and love, to grant what I didn't deserve.

And He did. I don't know why. But I am learning that He is good, even when His version of "good" doesn't line up with the vision I have. I am so very near-sighted, and all I can see is today. Truthfully I probably spend more time looking backward than forward, and that too is silliness. But I am so grateful that I serve a God who overlooks my silliness, and loves me despite it.

9 comments:

Hillary said...

Thanks for sharing your "God moment" - God is so good to us, and your story displays that beautifully!

Love the pee stick - I would totally do that too!

makingmemom.blogspot.com

finding_ac said...

i get so excited when i see you posting a blog...because of how real you are. you and i have so much in common, i too, was raised in an abusive household and i have struggled with the grace issue with God. I know what the bible teaches about God's love, but sometimes it is hard not to imagine God being like all the parents i have had (as well as others) and not giving me blessings because i havent been good enough or deserve enough.

But then you are totally right...i mean which of us sinners actually DESERVES salvation?? NONE...and that is why it is so amazing that he wants to give us the gift of life....anyways!! Because he is not like our parents, friends, or aquaintances...He is our Heavenly father and he loves us unconditionally, even though we are "silly little cats".

i am glad that you are experiencing the blessings that God has to offer, and all i can say, is that i hope that you instill this relationship with God into your child, because we need to show our children the love that Christ is showing us..not the love that the world potrays.

thank you, as always, for the God inspired conversation. If only you lived near me so we could get together, i think we are kindred spirits!!

♥ ac

Mad Hatter said...

What a moving and thoughtful post. Thank you. So happy for you!

Joy said...

Every good and perfect gift is from Him! Love seeing the BFP!!!

embieadoptmom said...

What a beautiful sight that test is! I peed on a stick EVERY day for about 9 days (psycho I know but it made me feel better).

Thrilled for you! You should be close to me in my due date!

YIPPEE! Praise The Lord!

just me, dawn said...

yay- beautiful photo!

Kim H. said...

I can only imagine the leap of faith that you must take to use the home test - when it has betrayed you everytime so far... but look at that reward!! YAY!!!!

Susan Sene said...

yay!! So happy for you!

Lanie said...

Just catching up on your blog - CONGRATULATIONS! I am so excited for you. I'm so inspired by your faith and your journey!